| 09:51pm 04/05/2020 | |||
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Theo's Journal Leave all comments/questions/line suggestions/other/misc here |
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| 10:22pm 26/08/2010 | ||||
I CANNOT DO THIS! I can't! I just, I can't! Not after all summer, I can't go back and be on my own, I can't, I know I'm not strong enough, I know I'll collapse and implode and Jude won't know until he comes by one weekend to find me smeared across my bedroom walls, I. CANNOT. DO THIS!!!! /Private Can't I just drop out? |
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sick| 08:56pm 25/07/2010 | ||||
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sore| 02:23am 11/07/2010 | ||||
It's already mid-July and soon the holiday will be over and I can't help but feel that so will everything else. I'm so worried about my stupidity; I don't know how to cope without Jude in bed beside me, sleeping and peaceful and there for me the way he always ALWAYS is. I don't want to lose my mind and do something stupid but I don't think I'll be able to keep a hold of it. I wish I wasn't crazy. Wish we could stay like this forever. /Private Jude's place is amazing, light and airy even though it's quite small, and it's close to the local shops and stuff too. Jude, I'm so, so proud of you baby. You're so much more than I could ever have expected in someone. I love you. |
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anxious| 07:27pm 21/06/2010 | ||||
Jude, where are you? I'm in your room, but you're not, you're conspicuously not. |
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| 08:08am 24/05/2010 | ||||
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shocked| 07:00pm 23/05/2010 | |||
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Jude Ortega-Kobayashi, I would be honoured if you would go to Alternaprom with me Love Theo PS, I really meant the 'love' at the end of that note. Private I talked this over with my therapist and she thinks I can do this and I think I can do this, I think. I hope I can do this. |
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| 11:56pm 11/04/2010 | ||||
...and then sunshine breaks through. Jude, I love you, I would love to, I love you. Private to Jude Being homeless isn't so bad when I've got you. ♥ Really, I really, really love you. Thank you so much. |
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| 10:47pm 07/04/2010 | ||||
Can only find Will only find That maybe I'm scared Private to Jude I love you. I hurt myself a couple of times, I burned myself with a cigarette. I wanted to tell you but I couldn't do it face to face. I'm sorry, I did it but I told my therapist and I'm trying not to do it again and it wasn't anything that you did and I love you and I'm sorry. I love you very much. Have you been to your group lately? End Private |
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tired| 09:09pm 21/03/2010 | ||||
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| 01:34am 12/03/2010 | ||||
Baby I'll miss you so much. I already miss you. Have the most amazing time baby, I'll be waiting for you when you get back. I love you, love you ♥ |
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| 10:36pm 08/03/2010 | ||||
Stuff doesn't stay still, I turn my back for a second and life... I can't, I can't deal, I can't cope with this very well, I know that. Stupid, stupid, stupid, it's life and I can't handle it. Ha ha ha ha ha. [/Private] Jude: I'm so proud of you. I have a present. Seriously, they should pay you to go there. I love you. [Private to Gio] What's going on? [/Private to Gio] [Private] I'm such a hypocrite. Why would Gio talk to me when I know how hard it is to talk. I hope nothing happened to Gio like it happened to me, it can't can't can't, it can't. I don't know what to do if I come in one day and he's all, on the floor, like I was Poor Clay. And now I ruined things, but I couldn't help it, Henri was such a cock to him, I couldn't, I know people said I should but I just couldn't let him. And Jude, fuck, Jude is going to Pratt, and I'm so fucking proud of him it hurts but at the same time, he's going away. And I don't even know how I'm going to cope when he goes to Australia Theo, realise that you're freaking out right now. Go call your therapist. Yes Theo. [/Private] |
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confused| 09:18pm 28/02/2010 | ||||
He is worth ten of you, he's more than you ever deserved and you'll never have anyone better, you moron. I don't care if you're bigger than me, or taller than me, or have more friends than me or whatever, if you ever come sniffing around him again I will break your fucking nose. POST REMOVED AT THE BEHEST OF CAMPUS SECURITY |
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angry| baby, you make my heart beat faster | ||||
| 10:10pm 24/02/2010 | ||||
I'm hoping Valentines was good to everyone, and thank you for the presents I got. On that note... ...Jude, ♥ That's kinda all I have to say about that. I want to see the Meat Puppets this year, but I don't think I will. The Hold Steady are playing though... I still don't think so somehow. And that's pretty much what I've been doing while I've been ill. |
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blah| 09:59pm 25/01/2010 | ||||
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| 07:04pm 16/01/2010 | ||||
Jude, sometimes I wish I could write lyrics so that I could make something out of the way I feel about you that you could read and hear and see. Guess I'll just have to make do with just telling you that I love you. [Private, but not as private as Theo thinks, that is to say, utterly public] Okay, so I've not told my shrink about the nightmares yet, but that's only because there's nothing she can do to help. And I haven't told Jude because I know what he'll think and it's [/Private] |
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| hiatus fail txts | |||
| 10:34pm 11/01/2010 | |||
| ( Text to Jude ) | |||
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| 04:10pm 13/12/2009 | ||||
{Private] I've had horrible... the worst dreams I've ever had, ever since... I can't believe my body did that. I know what Jude said but... I never do that. Ever. And I can't stop thinking, wondering if it really is because I wanted it... I know I didn't want it, but what if I enjoyed it, and what if when I come to do it with Jude he has to hurt me to make it work and what if that means I won't be able to be with him anymore without crumpling into a mess and crying... I'm so confused. I don't know what to do. I hate my body, I hate myself. {/Private} |
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| 09:24pm 06/11/2009 | ||||
LA: please take them, please. I wasn't any kind of a good friend to you when you needed one and I can't take yours back. Please? I think I might be getting something, I feel like I carried a donkey around on the back of my neck all day and I've got the window open but I'm still hot. Blah, I'm going back to bed. |
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| 10:38pm 02/11/2009 | ||||
I've been crying too much, but then it is that time of year... That said though, seriously, far too much. Being scared by that little kid's hayride thing and in the corn field and Halloween night... that night... I'm still not sure what happened to set me off so bad, but I didn't like it. I love Jude, and what he did, it was. I can't write it, I don't have the words. But even then I freaked out... stupid fucking body, stupid stupid fucking head. Hate it. I feel injured on the inside, like I'm sore in the places where my emotions live. Maybe that's why I've been such a weepy girl lately. Either way, still hate it. Stupid Theo. It's LA's birthday too. Everyone I love is growing up and I feel like I'm just going to stay like this forever. Not that I want to be old or anything, but it would be nice to just... get over it already. Still need lots of therapy. Shrink's gonna try a daylight bulb, see if that eases up the depression a bit. It's been pretty bad lately, though I think I've managed to keep that from Jude. god, that sounds awful just typing it, but I don't want him to worry when there's nothing he can do, when it's nothing he's caused and when all I can do about it is take my meds, go to therapy and hope. And he does help just doing what he does, being his sweet Jude self... fuck I love that kid so fucking much it could burst from me and live by itself. I kind of hope it would, at least then Jude wouldn't have THIS to deal with. [/end Private] Jude, baby, I love you. Want to do something for you, tell me, anything you want. Love you so much. |
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contemplative|
barbedwirekitty |
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